I suppose the words summer and stress are no longer mutually exclusive. For several years I believed this to be true, but I think grad school has pretty much killed any hope of that for me. Normally I don’t like to vent or complain too much on my blog, but today I am going to cut myself some slack.
This morning I felt like a 5-year-old on the verge of a temper tantrum. It started in the living room when I so happily realized that my apartment is a MESS. There is crap everywhere, most of it school related. I’m studying for comprehensive exams this summer in August—essentially 2 full days of essay questions that cover the last 3 years of the literature, plus everything we have learned in class. We won’t know what the questions are beforehand and each answer is supposed to be like 5 pages long. There is so much information, we are allowed a 40-page study guide. Needless to say, I am reaching a point of feeling overwhelmed with the idea of this. Articles are all over my living room. Still reading and summarizing; haven’t constructed the study guide yet nor done any practice questions.
Then, I decided to clean out kitty’s litter box. Normally this is no big deal—I dump his old litter into the trash and wash out the box and put new litter in. Except that this time when I dumped it, I missed half of the trashcan and litter went all over the floor. So I had to sweep that up out of the little cracks and crevices of the molding and the toilet and the rug, and then mop with antibacterial cleaner. Because, you know, there’s poop in there and stuff. So then I went to take the bag out of the trash can and tie it up, and what would you know, the bag broke and litter spilled all over the floor again. That alone was enough to make me want to burst into tears.
Then I decided to get online and check my email. Attached to an email from my professor was the syllabus for the Intelligence Testing class I am starting on Tuesday. It is 17 pages long. There are 6 required textbooks. Last I checked, there were only 3 required books and I ordered them all online. I don’t know where the other 3 came from but now I have to get them in 3 days. It also dawned on me that I really don’t want to be taking this class at all. Like, I don’t don’t don’t. I won’t be home before 7pm 3 days a week. That’s hard when I’m the one cooking dinner and cleaning up. I don’t know how to work that out.
I don’t know how I am going to do all the assignments for that class plus Supervision, supervise my supervisee, study for comps, write a manuscript for an article draft, and make and present 2 posters at APA. And clean up my apartment that is a pile of filth. I mean, my desk alone is piled so high the papers touch the bottom of my monitor.
Oh yeah, plus I’m not getting paid this summer, same as last year. This makes me worry about finances because that sets us back $1000 per month that we normally can count on. It also means I feel more guilty for not contributing to our income and like I have to make up for this somehow by doing more housework that I don’t have time for. It also means I feel more resentful of all the work I am doing for school and all the money I am spending on crap for it.
I am losing it! Help!
EDIT: Got another email from the IQ professor containing an updated syllabus. Now it is 18 pages.