My morning commute to school is 15.7 miles. Most of that is highway driving. On a good day, it can take me about 25 minutes to get to campus from home. On a bad day, like today, it can take me almost an hour. When I calculated it out, my average speed was 31mph. On the highway, where the speed limit is 65. Amazing.
It was cloudy and rainy today. Nothing out of the ordinary for Ohio, right? Yet for some reason, people were driving like they have never seen a raindrop before. Classic Ohioans. When the snow starts, they’ll drive like they’ve never seen that either.
My lane at a dead standstill.
Based on my experiences, here are some guidelines to follow, in case you ever want to start a traffic jam. I’m pretty sure they are almost 100% guaranteed.
1.) Tailgate the person in front of you. Even if you know there is someone directly in front of them, and someone directly in front of that car too, just tailgate anyway. Somehow, it might get you to your destination sooner.
2.) Slam on your brakes for no reason. Often. Especially when you are being tailgated by a car who is also being tailgated by a car who is also being tailgated.
3.) In fact, slam on your breaks when you are going 70mph and being tailgated. You need to get your speed down to 55mph as quickly as possible, so why do it gradually when you can do it instantly? I mean, you’ve got at least 1 foot between you and the subsequent car. That’s plenty of room.
4.) Change lanes. Abruptly. In fact, don’t read any of the exit signs until it is nearly too late and you have to cut someone off to make it up the ramp.
5.) Better yet, change lanes abruptly for no reason. If another lane looks like it might be going a tad faster than the one you are in, move into it immediately and worry about picking up enough speed to fit into the flow of its’ traffic later! You don’t have any time to waste! And when the lane you were previously in picks up its pace, move back.
6.) If traffic is keeping up a certain speed, make sure that you go 10mph slower than whatever speed that is. This will ensure that other drivers, who want to be going faster, need to change lanes to get around you. This is especially effective if you are in the middle lane.
7.) Don’t let anyone merge in front of you. Ever. Force the other car to either slam on its’ breaks and wait for you to pass, or to gun it and then slam on their breaks after getting around you.
8.) Don’t turn on your headlights in the rain, the sleet, the snow, the dusk, the dawn, or any time except when it is already cloudless, bright, and sunny outside.
9.) Change radio stations often. Look for things in the glove compartment. Fiddle with your iPod. Talk on your cell phone. Put on makeup. Shave. Do anything that will distract you sufficiently to prevent you from stopping in a gradual manner. Instead, look up at the last possible second, say “Oh crap!”, and slam on your breaks before you hit the person you were tailgating.
10.) If you see a car pulled over on the side of the road, even if everything is perfectly fine, make sure you slow down so you can get a really, really good look. You don’t want to miss the opportunity to see someone injured.
Here are some more fruitful images, all of which were taken while my car was stopped for a significant enough amount of time to allow me to feel safe doing this.
Here it comes… finally… after like 10 miles of near standstill…
Oh, I can see the exit ramp… but it’s so far away… the traffic is backed up from the red light at the street after the ramp all the way onto the highway and into the right lane for yards and yards.
At least now I am on the ramp :-/
I love you, city of Akron. I love leaving for class an hour earlier than I have to be there, and some days arriving 40 minutes early, and some days arriving 10 minutes late.